Kicked in the Knee Caps

Some days, I wake up feeling like parent of the year. Other days, I go to sleep feeling like I’ve failed miserably. Even though my children are only 5 and 9 ½, I’ve already learned this valuable lesson: parenting can mess with your self esteem and leave you feeling like you’ve been kicked in the knee caps.

The past week or so has been quite challenging for me. Dealing with the dynamics of new school year transitions, tween emotions, and kindergarten woes have not been easy to navigate. These issues may seem small when compared to other parenting challenges. But today, these challenges feel big.

And today, I am overwhelmed and clueless. Today, parenting makes me cry…..

As I sat on our bed, with the room door closed and the sound of “MOMMMMYYYYYYYYYY” filling the hallway, I silently cried out to God. “God, Please, help me. Help me understand what I’m missing…. what do I need to do more…less of… What do I need to start or stop?”

Instantly, I heard the Lord say, “Give them back to Me. They are not Yours. They belong to Me.”

“Lordddddtttttt, MY KIDS ARE YOURS,” I quickly rebutted in my not-yelling-at-the-Creator-of-Heaven-and-Earth voice.

He responded, “They are… times. You give them to me. Then you take them back. I made them. I see their beginning and end all in one frame. You can only see yesterday, today, and your hopes for their future. You, in your limited human capability, are with them some of the time. I, in My unlimited, supernatural power, are with them at all times. I know their thoughts, the innerworkings of their souls and hearts. You see the effect…I see the cause. ”

I could hear my mom, Lady Elouise in all her splendor, quoting this scripture inside my head, “Children are a gift from the Lord, a reward from a mother’s womb. A young man’s sons are like the arrows in a soldier’s hand. The man who fills his quiver with sons will be very blessed. He will never be defeated when he opposes his enemy at the city gates.”  Psalm 127:3-5

The Lord continued, “Sometimes, things happen to reveal who is in control and Who NEEDS to be in control. Everything you need to be Ayanna and Jordan’s mom (wisdom, resources, community, support), I have already provided—even when you can’t see it. But it first starts with ME…. connecting with Me, seeking Me, asking Me, surrendering to Me, TRUSTING in me.”

I cried some more.

Everything that the Lord was speaking to me was absolutely, unequivocally correct.  I do take ownership of my kids and often forget that they are God’s gift. I sometimes make decision about their wellbeing based what I feel is best for now. I have also been extremely negligent about my quiet time with the Lord.  The business and exhaustion of life had begun to overshadow my need for connection with Him. My vision was blurred. My hearing was faint. My heart and mind were all over the place.  At that moment in my life, God was not in control. My emotions, my analytical thought process, and my pride were all in the driver’s seat.  God was quietly standing outside of the my car window…arms folded…. just waiting for me to open the door and get out.

I whispered, “I’m sorry God. Please forgive me……”

Then, the lyrics to Bethel Music’s God I Look To You resounded in my spirit.

God, I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed.                                                                                                Give me vision to see things like You do.                                                                                                      God, I look to You. You’re where my help comes from.                                                                                    Give me wisdom. You know just what to do.

I will love You, Lord, my strength.
I will love You, Lord, my shield.
Yes, I will love You, Lord, my rock forever
All my days I will love You, God.

Hallelujah, our God reigns.
Hallelujah, our God reigns.
Hallelujah, our God reigns.
Forever, all my days, Hallelujah

 And, I cried some more………

With the 2.35 minutes of time remaining before my children burst through my bedroom door, I prayed again. “Father, your word says in James 1:5 that if anyone lacks wisdom, to ask. God grant me Your wisdom. Give us guidance as Ayanna and Jordan’s parents. Anoint us afresh for the task at hand. Thank you providing insight to those within our village (family, teachers, administrators, etc) on how to rear them according to your plan. Help me to not be consumed by myself, my “reputation” as a parent or my own personal desires for Ayanna and Jordan. Help me to be present, not only in body, but also in mind, heart and spirit when relating to them. Help me to truly be led by Your Spirit.  All for Your glory!!! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

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